What are you running towards?

For most of my life until last year, my constant companion had been anxiety with a regular guest appearance of depression. In many ways, as much as they were not welcome guests they became my safety zone.

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As someone who regularly strives to grow, advance & succeed more, with each new situation would come fear of the unknown- opening the door for my old friends to walk on in & take a seat.

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Having them by my side as I navigated new jobs, new businesses, big up-levels, city moves & the like always felt- well- normal. SUPER uncomfortable, but not knowing any other way, I had come to accept it.

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When I was in my 20’s working in finance in NYC, my anxiety had become debilitating during a major merger. With a new boss every few months, the only thing I wanted to do was... run. So literally, I started to run & completed my first marathon a few months later.

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I had nothing to lose at that point & everything to gain so I did race after race. But without addressing what I was metaphorically running FROM, but body eventually couldn’t hang anymore.

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Then came a few years of deep healing. Of addressing all the parts of me I wanted to run from & all the ways I wasn’t- actually- showing up for myself. Despite the awards & successes & ‘wins’ I had to face what I was most scared of.

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Which turned out to be a fear of being SO me- so bright- that others couldn’t handle me. The fear of Being Too Much, showing up nestled in the anxiety of Not Enough. ..

Funny how telling ourselves we aren’t enough saves us from facing the truth of just how amazing we actually are 🤔

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It took a perfect storm of my lowest point ever of feeling SO incredibly not good enough to finally turn the ship around.

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Once I made peace with this & made feeling joy my comfort zone {still feels edgy, but finally safe}, it was like anxiety no longer had room in the proverbial inn. And while she tries to creep back in, she no longer has the power she once did. ..

Because I no longer feel I need to run AWAY FROM my own power. And so now when I do run, it’s TOWARDS my strength, TOWARDS my future, TOWARDS my power. ..

And my body? She’s loving every step along the way🏃‍♀️🔥👑

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Jennifer Blackstock
The race high

Still riding that race high over here. I keep sitting down to write out my thoughts and lessons not only about the race but the whole training process {and how it relates to everything} but the amount of energy coursing through my body the past 48 hours is unreal & unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.

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Clearer.

Calmer.

Surer.

Stronger.

Finally feeling the elusive Permission to actually feel ✨This Good✨ and that- in fact- it is NOT Too Much to handle...

Plus so much more.

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And in a bit of shock I’m still processing- I have very little soreness. Legs don’t have as much ‘fuel in the tank’ as I’m used to, but overall my body has accepted the miles with no problem.

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So I’m off to harness this energy in rest, and will be back as soon as my fingers can keep up typing all the thoughts swirling through my head, my heart & my body.

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You never know what’s on the other side of what you are drawn to do {and ahem- scared of}. It just might show you an entirely new way of feeling 👊🏻👑🔥⚔️

Jennifer Blackstock