I received a letter last week that I wasn’t expecting. But it was exactly what I needed.
The past few weeks have been rough- a break up, a job that didn’t work out, finances crushing me. Felt like Saturn and his infamous return were giving me a final butt-kicking as my 30th birthday looms ever closer and closer…
Then, I received this letter. From myself. It was written on May 8 2009. The last day of my massage program in Bali. We all were asked to write ourselves a letter to our future self. I had completely forgotten about this, and honestly couldn’t have told you the next day what I wrote, since I wrote it through tear filled eyes that my program was ending and all the love and support I had during that time was going away. I was about to embark on an unknown journey around Southeast Asia and what a journey it turned into!!
I’ve decided to share everything, EVERY thing, that I wrote in this letter. It amazes me how much what I wrote was exactly what I needed to hear this week. So here it is:
Greetings from Bali!! Who knows, you may still be here :)
What a trip it’s been. I came to Bali for a massage program and so much more. I knew I would get a lot out of this, that I would process a lot and learn a lot about myself, but I had no idea how amazingly deep this all would be. I came here broken hearted and lonely due to many many things, and finally saw that this is something that I need to find and heal within myself to move on. I had health problems here, major releases, and millions of tears shed on the soil of Bali. I’ve processed a lot.
I’ve found ‘my tribe.’ Even if I never see them again, for a month of my life, I finally felt like I belonged and could be truly, purely wholeheartedly myself- the Jen that’s been hidden under the veils of so many labels- corporate, partyier, hippie, yogini, scholar… and so on. But here I didn’t need a ‘label.’ I didn’t need to impress or fit in. I could be myself, and only through being myself was I able to finally belong.
I was also looking for direction, for the answer to “What do I do next?” Work, living, friends wise. What I found is that searching for this answer leads no where. In fact, all it does is stand in the way of full realization of where life is going to take you.
I learned to SURRENDER myself in a way that I have never been able to do (ps- I got the ‘surrender’ tattoo on my wrist the day after this letter was written). Now I’ve had visions of where I’m going, even if all that is right now is to travel. I had this same revelation at Esalen last year and didn’t really listen. It took me getting on foreign soil to see just how crucial this is for me to do.
So where am I today? About to begin an adventure that I have no idea where it’s going. I have a plane ticket to Thailand, friends to travel with, and an open agenda & wide open heart to explore.
Juicy…. Om Shanti
PS- If there is a message I could send you, the Jen of 2010, it would be this:
“All I ask of you, is forever to remember me, as loving you- Ish K’Allah, Mabou L’Allah” (to my readers- this was a song we sang to each other in the program. It’s an old Sufi song and SO powerful)…. no matter where you are now or where you’ve been, the most important thing to remember is to always, wholeheartedly, love yourself. Everything else then will fall into place….
You are an incredible woman, and people love you for being YOU. No one else but the real you hidden inside. You may be a shape shifter (always have been) and that could just be a part of it. But it’s you, and never forget it.
Surrender and Breathe…. The secrets to living. So simple right?
Sing, Dance, Yoga, Love EVERY day!!
lots of love