I’ve been really off-kilter the past few weeks.

My forehead is furrowing again, I’m getting frustrated and angry easily, I’m not sleeping well and I’m sensing the wall going back up… Not really sure what exactly is causing it, though I can guess…

Work has been crazy busy, both in the office and socially.

I haven’t been able to practice yoga everyday like I am used to. And when I have made it to the studio, it’s become more of social hour. I love LOVE the sanga- community- don’t get me wrong. But sometimes I just need to be alone on my mat to be with me.

I started eating meat again. A lot. Three steaks in 4 days. It’s been months since I had even a bite.

I’m back on birth control and have hormones flowing through me again. Yuck.

I’ve been hanging out with the old crew and slowly returning to my party ways. 

I have only been to therapy once this month, when it’s normally once a week.

I’ve been spending a lot more money on eating out, going out, shopping, etc. I’m off budget.

I have a new love interest. Though it’s in the early stages and I’m really quite excited about it, it’s been more than I’ve dealt with emotionally in a very long time.

Ok, so maybe that IS a lot!! All of the above has put my mind in overdrive again- constantly on the go go go and analyzing everything and over-thinking and just not able to stop….. I’ve been preoccupied, and somewhere in the mix, I’ve been forgetting to meditate and make the time for myself to slow down and surrender. Didn’t I just post an article by Mark Morford about JUST this problem with our society!? And here I am, forgetting it myself. Tisk Tisk…

I decided with the long Memorial Day weekend to NOT make any plans and to have a lot of ‘Jen Time’- to take the time to remember ME for this holiday. Today I put on my iPod and for some reason went immediately to my favorite Tool song, Lateralus. It’s the song I first heard by Tool on the radio years ago and ran out to buy the CD (remember those!?) Lateralus always calms me down, and though I’ve heard the song countless times, why it ‘gets to me’ didn’t make sense until today. Here are the lyrics in bold and how they speak to me:

Black then white are all I see in my infancy.
red and yellow then came to be, reaching out to me
lets me see there is so much more
and beckons me to look through to these infinite possibilities.

Things used to be so simple, black and white. Then we started to see more, to think more, to be more. We opened up to new colors, new possibilities- discovery and getting to know ourself, our soul. Things then are no longer black and white, no longer simple. It’s a gift and a curse, because the colors make us start to think, to search- but also to overthink…

Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind.
Withering my intuition, missing opportunities and I must
Feed my will to feel my moment drawing way outside the lines.

This is exactly what’s been happening to me!! I’ve been letting my mind take over again. I’ve been letting my insecurities and fears and ambitions get the best of me, and in the process, my mind and body aren’t communicating anymore. I feel off kilter. Not myself. Disconnected. Certainly NOT present.

And the result? I feel like I’m missing opportunities. Taking things for granted. Not listening to my intuition. Letting reason and fear take over my heart. My wide-open loving heart…. I need to Feel My Moment. Stop Thinking So Much. JUST BE.

Reaching out to embrace the random.
Reaching out to embrace whatever may come.

Why isn’t this easier? I’ve been working so hard this year at surrendering (oxymoron, I know) to what the universe has in store for me. Why can’t I just reach out to embrace what may come? Why can’t I just let go and embrace the future? We all do it, it’s naturally human. We resist. Doesn’t mean it’s right. We all need to change our perspective every now and then.

I embrace my desire to
feel the rhythm, to feel connected
enough to step aside and weep like a widow
to feel inspired, to fathom the power,
to witness the beauty, to bathe in the fountain,
to swing on the spiral
of our divinity and still be a human.

This part is my FAVORITE song lyric. EVER. It’s what I strive for. What I hope I can one day do. It’s about embracing what makes us human, our senses, our touch, feelings, emotion, sight…. to be grounded and just feel the universe in the way that we know how, while letting go and recognizing that the divine is present in all of us…

This is how we unite our mind, body and spirit to connect to something deeper, bigger, satisfying, divine…

With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I’m reaching up and reaching out,
I’m reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one’s been.
We’ll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one’s been.

Letting go. Feet on the ground but surrendering. Ready to ride the wave of what may come. The Spiral. The Spiral of Life. We can choose to fight it, feel tired and worn out from resisting (like I have been these past few weeks)… Or we can choose to stop, breathe, feel, close our eyes and just surrender to see where it takes us…..

Sounds easy, but I’m starting to realize it might be the hardest thing for us to do. But I’m going to keep on trying.

Spiral out. Keep going, going…

Jennifer Blackstock