They broke this weekend.

My beautiful, blue turquoise string of Mala prayer beads that have been on my body everyday for over 18 months now. It seemed like a small thing when it happened Saturday morning, but if I’ve learned anything in the past few years, it’s that the seemingly small things are, very often, the most meaningful…

I bought these particular Mala beads at a very critical junction in my life. It was a few days before I was due to quit my life in finance. I was looking for something blue, as the color blue is associated with the throat chakra and assists in opening up our throat, in providing support in letting out our True Voice. Simply put, it helps you scream or whisper or sing or whatever it is you need to do to say what it is you need to say. So when I saw this particular string of Mala beads with 108 beautiful, turquoise blue beads strung together with red jasper between the sets, I knew they belonged to me.

And by Goddess did I need my True Voice to come out at the time!! I was leaving the only world I knew, an industry that had controlled every part of my being for 7 years, a world order that had me convinced that the fancy car and the nice apartment and the millions of ‘things’ all added up to Success. But in my case, all they added up to was Un-happiness and Dis-ease. So you see, when I was going into that office to quit my job 18 months ago, I wasn’t just going in there to quit a job, I was going in there to quit a lifestyle and to take my life back into my own hands.

Thus- the need for some Divine and Energetic Assistance in the matter!! And let me tell you, My Malas worked. Wrapped around my wrist for support, I was able to say how I truly felt and walk out of that office with my head held high and the promise of a better life on the horizon.

So you see, these were more than just My Mala beads. My Malas were my personal symbol of promise, of my voice, of my courage to leave a world of suits and ties and enter into a world of happiness, ease and following my dreams and intuition!

As many of you know though, things have not been a bed of roses since that day in August 2008. It’s been a looooong, tough road. My yoga training with Ana Forest ripped me to shreds in many ways and left me feeling hollow and weak. But it also ripped my heart wide open and let the river of tears flow for the first time in my life. And My Malas were at all times around my neck or my wrist for that full 27 days.

My Malas followed me to my first time at Esalen a few weeks later, where my eyes were finally opened to the Real World that I was an integral part of. This was where I used My Malas in my first formal Tantric meditations and prayers with Shiva Rea and Paul Muller Ortega. These were the meditations that opened my third eye and brought my Consciousness to a new level, to a place where I could see where I was heading and feel the Divine Pulsation of the Universe; to feel how I truly am born from that Divine Pulsation, and will forever be connected to it.

My Malas were with me when I was hurt last year over someone who didn’t deserve to have held that honor. They were with me during the waiting, the agonizing, the sometimes obsessing over what was so wrong with me to have deserved such treatment. They were what helped me realize that it wasn’t me, except in the fact that I allowed it to happen in the first place. They were thus with me when I first learned the meaning of Boundaries and how to use them.

And then, Southeast Asia. In Bali, My Malas saw me through first illness, then soul wrenching, heart opening, total body, heart and soul cleansing in my massage program. When for the first time, I learned the importance of human touch, to both give and receive and be truly present with another human being. To allow the body to heal itself by the simple acts of touch, awareness and presence. This carried on when I decided to have my things put in storage back in California, and extend my trip indefinitely until I found what it was my soul needed to find on that magical Island of the Gods.

My Malas came with me everyday to the beach to watch the Waves and connect with the greatest healer of all, the Ocean. They were on my wrist when I received my first Attunements in Reiki in the jungles of Thailand and realized that the ancient symbols that I learned were things that somewhere, on the soul level, I already knew. My Malas were pivotal when I was fasting on a small island in Thailand, where I had my first true Kundalini experience while chanting a mantra to Shiva 108 times- counted on My Malas. This was when I first felt the Great Goddess, the Shakti, within me and the intertwining with Shiva that is the ultimate ecstasy. I soon after had this particular mantra tattooed on my back to commemorate the experience.

My Malas were with me when I went to a sacred temple in Bali under the Full Moon at midnight and plunged my whole body into the sacred water and dipped my head under the sacred running Fountains of God heads in order to cleanse my body, mind and spirit- to give myself a true fresh start.

My Malas were around my neck when I learned CranioSacral Therapy and the art of energy healing. When for the first time I felt The Breath of Life in my client and in myself, the rise and fall of a breath so much more potent and powerful than the simple act of breathing air. And then with that skill came my realization that I have a presence that is special, and with that presence I can see things beyond what the normal eye can see- and that this is a gift that I am blessed to have. I found my calling with my Mala Beads around my neck.

And then, finally, My Malas followed me back to the United States, where I began to set up a new life based on the vision of what I want. Into my new apartment by the Ocean. To the SPCA to bring my kitten, the Divine Miss Shakti, into my home. To my new office with a couple who have the same vision to help other that I do. On a blind date with a man who I am becoming more convinced day by day is the Shiva to my Shakti. And above all, they were there with me when working on my clients, when I am more myself than at any other time, when I am my Divine Potential Alive!

So now you can see why the falling apart of this string of Mala Beads is such a loss for me. They have been my only constant companion on this epic journey that I have undertaken the past few years. At first, they were a simple purchase to symbolize my breaking away from the corporate world. But then, they became so much more- as I knew they would.

It’s a great lesson in non-attachment, to break something so precious to me.  It’s also been a kind of mourning. A letting go. A surrender to the realization that nothing is permanent, nothing is for sure, nothing is written in stone. Not even 108 beautiful turquoise stones that are strung together to form a guide for prayer, for communication and connection with the Divine.

So what does it all mean? Do I need to look for meaning in the breaking of My Malas? Does it mean that my separation from the corporate world is over- that this overwhelming sense I’ve been feeling recently that I will soon return to that world IS in fact where the next great Wave of my life is headed?

I can’t say. But it IS sort of the end of an era for me. An end to my time of separation, isolation and inner work. But it’s also a new beginning in a way. A shift has been occurring for some time now, and I’m feeling like the end of the shift is near. That the time has come for me to stop shifting and settle down, ground, and engage in my healing work- in whatever form that make take and wherever that work needs to be done (even if it is in the world that I had to leave to find this healing work in the first place).

So 108 times, I thank you Goddess for my companion on this journey, and am ready for where the Waves and Tides will be taking me next…and look forward to whatever, or maybe Whoever, my new companion will be…