The Wedding

Last night, on Friday April 11th, I attended one of the most beautiful wedding ceremonies I have ever been to. It was loving and sincere and everything you would expect of a wedding. There were candles, music, white roses, incense, an altar, a beautiful ring and vows. Afterwards there was champagne, cupcakes, and pizza….

Wait a second, pizza?

Yes, pizza.

See, I was the only one present at this little wedding ceremony. That was the whole point….and I wanted pizza 

I honestly debated if I should write about this, or tell anyone at all, at risk for looking more and more like I’ve turned into this new-agey Californian I always heard about back east.  But as time has passed and the effects of this night have become evident, I’ve decided to share with you all this very sacred and special moment that took place in my life.

I have to admit, it wasn’t my idea. I just finished reading a book by Sera Beak- “The Red Book: A Deliciously Unorthodox Approach to Igniting Your Divine Spark”. The book is geared towards young women and discusses how to make spirituality your own experience by creating your own connection with the Divine- whatever or whoever the Divine may be to you. The book is chock full o’stuff to spark the divine within, from books to read to meditations to do to ceremonies that have meaning for YOU.

One of the suggestions in the book is to commit yourself to, well, yourself. Some ways to do this is to take time out from the dating scene, maybe vow no sex or no booze or no pizza or whatever floats your boat and stop, think, reevaluate the things that you want in your life and the things you don’t and commit yourself to following your heart… Sound familiar??!!  Pretty much like what I’ve already doing, but adding a twist-Why not solidify this commitment with a marriage to YOURSELF!

I pondered this idea for a few weeks then decided to go for it, why not? Part of romance is a wedding, and I’d been romancing myself for some time now (get your minds out of the gutter, you know what I mean….) I chose a date- which ironically turned out to be a night with 3 parties going on, all of which I was expected to attend. Fuuuuck. I was torn between seeing my friends and keeping this commitment. How could this happen with so many nights with nothing going on? After a bit of a freak out, I decided this was, afterall, the perfect scenario. What better way to make a commitment to myself and what I want, then to choose this over the temptations in my life that led me here in the first place. So the date stuck.

I bought a pretty ring, roses, champagne, ingredients to make Jen’s homemade pizza, and Kara’s cupcakes for dessert. I chose the music, printed up my vows and even made a ’self-marriage’ wedding license that I signed that night.

Yes, I felt VERY silly at first being in my apartment alone with candles burning and music playing, sitting in front of my little personal altar and holding a piece of paper with vows I was going to read out loud. But then a sense of calm came over me, and I truly understood the importance of what I was doing. For the past 12 years I’ve dated men that are all wrong for me, or followed the crowd instead of doing what was right for me.

But now, that’s changing.

As I read the vows out loud (which I got from the book “PRONOIA IS THE ANTIDOTE FOR PARANOIA: How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings“- pick it up, seriously), it really hit home what this all meant. I felt a shift that night. The whole ‘ceremony’ took less than 20 minutes, was short and simple and sweet. I then cooked dinner, got a little tipsy on a little bit of champagne, watched one of my favorite movies and had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in years. I was truly happy. Just how a bride should be on her wedding night 

While I felt wonderful that evening, the effects of my commitment and the vows that I took have really started to sink in during the days and weeks since. I feel lighter, grounded, stronger, sexier and more aware of the people and places around me. I feel whole. And free. Free from the choices and mistakes I’ve made in the past, and free to be with who I want in the future- with a clearer idea of what it is that I want to begin with. As I’ve said before, I think it’s absolutely critical that you love yourself before you can love someone else completely. This is what I’ve been working towards. I didn’t ‘marry’ myself so that I won’t be with somebody else- I married myself for just the opposite reason, so that I CAN be with someone else and be able to give myself fully to them.

So what does this all mean? Am I ready to put myself out there again? I never put an amount of time or conditions on my ‘break from dating’, and I don’t know if anyone is ever REALLY at the point where they are ’ready’. But am I open to it? ABSOLUTELY!! What I’ve realized is that now that I know I CAN be with myself, I no longer feel like I NEED to be with someone else.

The pressure is off and my heart is wide open to the possibilities. That’s the difference…

Jennifer Blackstock