When it's Time to Re-Define

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Hello Fierce One,

Wow- I'll start off by humbly saying "It's been a while, huh?"


Last I wrote to you I was heart-deep in the writing of my first book, The Worthiness Revolution, and knew that I needed the space to go into the writing cave. 

So first of all- THANK YOU for your patience as I took a break from writing these love notes from my heart to yours here to focus on what I needed to do. 

One of the biggest lessons I've learned over the years is that when our soul is crying out for spaaaaaaace, something major is about to transpire.
 

I thought it was the writing of my book.

Turns out, it was actually the Re-Writing of Myself.


You know- no big deal ;) 

I joke, but the Re-Writing of Myself is exactly what 2018 has turned out to be- if you've been following me on social media you've seen the profound effects this year has had on me and how I show up in the world. I set out with the intention to focus on joy, write my book, support my existing clients and place a priority on supporting my body through the process.

{And interestingly, the book itself got accidentally, permanently deleted several months in. But that's a story for another day}.

What actually happened was: I came face-to-face with my ambition and what it really means to me, my original dream when I began this crazy journey of entrepreneurship 10 years ago, and a body transformation that I wasn't expecting but turned out to be the breath of fresh air I didn't even know I needed.
 

Sometimes we don't even know we need something until we commit to something else and get catapulted into another process altogether.


You might notice that the picture of me above looks a bit different than what you are used to seeing of me. Why? Over the past year I've not only lost 30 pounds and began stepping into the power of my body, but I've reconnected with my original intention of being an athlete again and inspiring women to feel amazing in their bodies. The body has ALWAYS been the access point in my work, and for years it was focused on healing pain much like I had done for myself.

But a funny thing happened when I began writing a book about worthiness- I had to come face-to-face with an area I felt great in- my body- but silently knew I was settling for less than what I felt worthy to embody. And with it came a quiet little angel nudging me to get real and naked with myself about my ambition, my fierceness, and all of the subtle levels in-between.

I felt like it was my dirty little secret that I actually wanted MORE from my experience in my body than simply feeling good and loving her. I had the self-love and body positivity game going STRONG, but the more I wrote and explored all of the complex corners of Worthiness, the more I just couldn't hide any longer from the deeper desires of how I wished to go beyond feeling good in my body (and my business) and move into the territory of fiercely thriving.

This past winter, I began to exist in the paradox so many of us seem to be coming to terms with right now:

That we can 1000% be madly in love with our bodies AND simultaneously have the desire to transform her into our own version of a powerful force of nature. And in some cases, that transformation is exactly the most fiercely loving thing we can do. 

You see- 10 years ago this month, I left the world of corporate finance to begin the journey of running my own wellness and fitness business. At the time I had no idea what it would look like, but I knew that it would involve helping women and men tap into the power of their body and the potential it had to transform lives. But at the time, my own body was healing from injuries that pushed me to the sidelines, made yoga the only feasible form of movement I could realistically do and threatened to keep me from a highly active lifestyle again.

The problem was this: after my body healed through the amazing body therapies I found & practiced for many years and I could return to my athletic pursuits, I chose instead to reside in the land of my excuses of all of the reasons that, instead, I told myself I could not.

I was running a business and didn't have time, I said. 
But what if the injuries come back, I pleaded.
Oh but my Lymes could flare up at any time, I justified.
And what about the condition of my lower spine getting worse, I hid behind.
But if I love & accept my body as she is, is it actually ok to want to change, I wondered.

When really, I was simply silently afraid: 
Afraid to truly thrive in my body.
Scared to shine too much.
Terrified of drawing too much attention to myself again (hello #MeToo).
Afraid other women in my communities of coaches & healers would not accept me if I wasn't soft and curvy anymore.
Scared of what I would actually be capable of if I had a lot of energy again.
And terrified of my own power.
 

But I learned that eventually, the pain of continuing to live in our fear and excuses outweighs the pain that comes from choosing to do the hard work to change.


{Any of this sound familiar? Do you have any of the same fears? If so- read on}

The turning point? Well it was my trip to Bali at this time last year. The same place that sent me on the trajectory into my spiritual awakening in 2009 ironically snapped me out of it and right back around to my original intentions that- in many ways- felt like they were put on pause as I fully healed myself in the years that followed.

When I was there this time around, I was so incredibly uncomfortable in my body- from breaking out to exhaustion to mood swings to extreme anxiety to a freak miscommunication that left me in a foreign country with only the cash I had on hand and more- to the point when I returned back to the United States, I began making decisions left and right to make changes in my life that were incredibly uncomfortable, but ultimately led me on a path to get my body THRIVING again.

But it wasn't just decisions around what I was eating or how I was moving- though those were absolutely important {and I will begin to cover in future newsletters}.
 

What really was the rocket fuel for me was taking a long, honest assessment of my relationships, my boundaries, and where I was squandering my power away in order to not rock the boat, not disappoint others or to fit into the status quo.


It's actually some of the trickiest work to do because it is SO subtle, and is so wrapped up in how we show up in our communities, our relationships and our interpersonal dynamics.

Suffice it to say: it was uncomfortable as hell. 

I had to end some friendships. I had to exit stage left of some communities I adored. I had to chose myself over pleasing a few people I really loved and respected. And I had to make some major financial commitments to support these decisions that I knew were for the best.

And through this, I faced a word that I had hidden deep behind a pocket of my heart for 10 years that was sick and tired of being hidden:
 

Ambition.


You see, I grew up an over-achiever. From valedictorian to summa cum laude into the halls of Wall Street, the name of the game for most of my life was being at peace with my ambition.

But then I found myself in communities where ambition was masked in words like service, and being 'successful' was simultaneously encouraged while also subtly demonized. Be successful- but not too much. Get healthy- but not too much. Go for your dreams- but not too much.
 

Notice the theme of "Don't be Too Much"?

Have you ever felt this pressure yourself? 


Ambition had quietly become a dirty word- a word that I somehow had blamed for how unhappy I had been in finance and used as the scapegoat for all of my pain- and I was no longer having it. 
 

I thought when I began writing about Worthiness that I would be exploring all the places where women are feeling Not Enough, but it turned out that most women I spoke with- myself included- were hiding behind that guise as a way of avoiding being Too Much.

 

I'm not the first to speak out about what I think are some dangerously toxic messages floating around in the realm of wealth, body image, spirituality, and more. Yet despite knowing it was toxic, my biggest fear of all was of rocking the boat. Of speaking up against women who had been mentors. Of going against what was becoming increasingly louder in popular culture in several extremes. 

This was keeping my body, my ambition, and my excuses locked in a battle of wills that was forcing me to run in place. And that running in place began to manifest as a mighty case of anxiety and depression- the two struggles that had launched me out of finance and into the world of self-development in the first place.

I had come full-circle by the time I landed back from Bali last fall, but not at all in the way I wanted to. 

So what happened when I started to create those boundaries and make peace with my ambition?

I started to have energy again to do MORE with myself and with my time. 

I began to have the courage to speak up a little louder about my thoughts on many subjects.

I wrote over 35,000 words of a book before I 'accidentally' deleted it {there are no accidents- and the best 30 pages were somehow miraculously saved. Oh yeah- and a new book began to speak through me just last month}.

I moved my horse Oliver to a new barn closer to my home and was told very lovingly to- as my grandfather used to say- shit or get off the pot by getting in shape for my safety or else risk getting seriously hurt.

And so I set my sights on my original dream but had abandoned in tears in the rice fields all those years ago when I somehow had convinced myself that my Ambition was the culprit that had made me so unhappy in finance:

To be an athlete again and inspire thousands of others to find the connection between thriving in the body and thriving in the rest of your life.
 

Or put more bluntly- making peace with your Ambition and fiercely Owning It. Body, Career, Relationships, and all.


One of the access points for this is through our body. Another is through our career & passions. Yet another our relationships. And so on.

As we focus on one, the others expand.

As we get clarity in another, they all begin to feel clear.

As we feel strong in any, all begin to feel powerful. 

So I began taking very intentional steps to reclaim my health, move my body, and have the confidence to take action in the world from a place of a thriving, Fierce Body. 

What gets tricky is that a fierce, thriving body looks and feels different for everyone, and even for each of us at different stages of our life. Where I must admit I had faltered, was slighting my own personal ambition by looking at how women I admired at the time defined thriving for themselves, and taking that on for myself.

Which was close to my Truth, but not quite. And so for years I felt great, but not fully ME in my body.

It's humbling to admit this now, especially after such a break since I last wrote here. But they say we must own the story we were living in to fully step into the next stage, and so here I am telling you one of my deepest secrets. If nothing else, I've always promised to be fiercely honest here, and this is me laying it all on the line that- for a while- I was not 100% living in my own Truth, but I couldn't even see it. 

Am I mad at myself? Not at all. There was something I was meant to learn and understand, and now that I do, it's game on. 

Though at times I do look at those lost years and wonder what might have been. What would have happened if I left finance in 2008 and came out blazing as the personal trainer & nutritionist I originally set out to be? What might have been if I had used my finance & business background even more and built a larger coaching practice sooner? What could I have created over those 10 years with all of the energy that I have now? 

This is why it's so important for each of us to own up to what the truth of our journey so far has been, so that we can have the strength of our experiences to move forward.   

And move forward I am. I am so incredibly excited about the changes I've made, how at home I finally feel in my own body, and how inspired I am to help others do the same for themselves.

Because you see- it's not about the weight lost or the muscle gained or what I look like in any of my clothes- that's why this is the first time I'm even sharing publicly that I lost over 30lbs lost and shed more than 10% body fat.

It took massive hard lifting of both the inner and outer variety to get here, and I won't sugar coat it that what I discovered is some sort of magic secret. There is no quick fix- and if someone is selling that to you, run the other way.

Rather, it's an entirely new way of approaching life, your desires, and making peace with your ambition with a fierce devotion that is necessary for transformation to occur.

And this new approach? It's radically shifted how I show up in the world. Not in how I look in my dresses, but how I feel about myself AND having the energy to finally do the damn things I've been saying for 10 years I want to do.

But I could never have done that if I didn't make peace with being an ambitious woman in the first place, with being a fierce woman at the core, with wanting to show up in the world as brightly as I can.

We women have been told for far too long that we need to do so- but Not Too Much.
 

Well Fierce One- I'm done with Not Too Much. And I have a feeling that maybe you are too.
 

So things are going to look a little different around here. I'll be talking a lot more, and writing a lot more here & on social media- especially Instagram. My 1:1 programs are open for enrollment once again and I've opened 8 spaces to work with me directly on anything from your body to your career to your relationships and more. 
 

In fact, my entire website is new so I invite you to explore.
 

Most exciting is, I've brought back my 3 Month fire-starter program under a new name, the Fierce Body Bootcamp. I know that a full year commitment is a big leap of faith for many of you, so I've created a shorter (but no less potent) program for those of you ready to go for it.

In this journey together, we turn the heat up to full blast to intensely address your deepest desires in walking the path of becoming who you wish to be in any and all areas of your life- body, health, business, career, relationships, and more. Available as a 3 month commitment (6 months also available), this journey may be the shortest time-wise of what I offer, it by no means is less potent. In fact, with the intense focus of lightening to bring to light the darkest places, we have the power for fast, furious transformation. 

For 3 months, we will meet 3 {three} times a month and kick off your program with a 2 Hour Open Session {all remaining sessions are 60 Minutes}.

Also includes email support and enrollment in my group program, The Fierce Collective {A $999 value}.

But for this week only, you can receive 20% OFF this program using the code FIERCE at checkout. Simply click Enroll and on the checkout screen, enter FIERCE in the discount code box to receive $500 off enrollment. {May also be used for the 6 Month option}

Expires Saturday 8/25 at midnight.

All of the information and the ability to directly enroll without booking a consultation first can be found by clicking the Fierce Body Bootcamp image below or directly HERE.

As soon as you enroll the Fierce Body ebook will be sent to you so you can begin working with the concepts right away. Within 24 hours of enrolling I will send you a personalized Welcome Email with all of the information to book your sessions and get started- which means your journey with your first session could start as soon as this week. 

Isn't it about time you said YES to yourself and showed up- fiercely?

I'm ready Fierce One- and I hope you are too.