On Choosing Embodiment
For the past several years, I’ve embarked on a personal spiritual quest to explore ALL of who I am- the light and the dark. The love and the pain. The ecstasy and the grief. The black and the white- and the millions of shades in-between.
I heard a very clear message in the summer of 2014 that it was time for me to take this journey inward- alone- to slip into the quiet spaces of my own being, sit in stillness with myself, tune out the noise, move my body without any instruction or plan, and face the parts of me who were being drowned out by the groups, the courses, the classes and the retreats.
I had no idea if this would last a week, a month, or years. But I knew it was essential to my journey to listen- even though it meant a lot of hard decisions and conversations, saying No and even moving to a new city.
For years I had explored {and truthfully, became obsessed with chasing} the light- the beauty and the abundance, the nectar and the divine. But in this latest stage of my own Heroine’s Odyssey, I needed to utterly surrender by going to the places that scared me. The places I knew existed but well- had done a really great job of keeping myself otherwise occupied. But as I pulled back and in, I faced these parts of me and I heard clearly- either share these truths, or be consumed in the flames of them instead.
RAW TRUTH #1:
There is a fire within my heart- a fire within ALL of our hearts– that has been there all along, no longer willing to be kept hidden and tamed out of fear of rocking the boat, causing too much pain, or not being understood as benevolent when harnessed properly.
Have you felt it lately within your own heart? Beating faster and faster, needing to come through to the light?
For me, it’s a long story- one of heartache and fear, one where I continuously heard- but tried to ignore- the voice of the Dark Goddess. Of Kali and Isis, their masculine consorts Shiva and Osiris- and all of these amazing figures who just. plain. scared me.
But they also intrigued me, drew me in, and lured me to sleep with myths of the dance of creation and destruction, of grief and rebirth, of sexual priestesses and temple dances and songs that could only be described as- Been there. Done that. My soul already knows.
But yet- I held back.
I didn’t want to appear too intense or anyone to be scared of this work. Until, as this path has taught me time and time again, I was no longer able to ignore Them {me}, and had to face Them {me}- and embrace Them…. Oh hell- Yes Yes Yes Me– once and for all.
It started with dreams over the summer. Then messages in meditation. Then anger and rage at things I was seeing happen in the marketplace. Spiritual ‘leaders’ fighting and/ or attacking others in social media. Money schemes under the guise of healing. Women and men getting traumatized by unsafe energetic practices masked as coaching by those not properly trained. People bankrupting themselves on the dream of ‘making it’. Hell- I was one of them who lost it all myself many years ago. Shadow after shadow, truth after truth flung themselves on me and I could no longer look the other way.
RAW TRUTH #2:
In facing all of the shadows- I almost left. The fear and my broken-heart at what I saw almost caused me to fold. I was *this* close this winter to putting up a ‘Closed for Business’ sign and moving on. Contemplated the dreaded J Word {job} again and started to daydream of my man- or any man for that matter- coming along to save the day.
RAW TRUTH #3:
It was confusing as hell– in one moment I’d be in session with a client and feel so alive and free, on purpose and madly in love with everything about what I do and who I serve. Then the next I’d get online, see these things, and want to run and hide. I couldn’t make sense of it.
RAW TRUTH #4:
But then life through a curveball on the second day of the new year that tested all the healing I’ve done, course I’ve taken, book I’ve read… and I completely unraveled. The what isn’t important- it is not my tale to tell though I hope someday it does get properly told- the story is beautiful in it’s pain & triumph. But it impacted me deeply- hit my core wound hard- and the process of complete unwinding and longing made me come face-to-face with this Dark Goddess in her gifts of chaos and destruction. I couldn’t make sense of it, but I knew I had to honor it. I had to Honor HER.
{ahem- right- I had to honor Me}
BECAUSE HERE IS RAW TRUTH #5:
This path isn’t for everyone. It’s hard, messy and at some point, we have to come to terms with our own darkness and shadow. We have to integrate the light AND the dark. The Feminine AND the Masculine. We must be willing to go to the places that scare us.
To not would be bypassing- and I’m not a stand for that.
Yes- we are all Divine. Yes- we are all One. Yes- we are all Priestesses & Priests. But not all of us need to be standing in that role professionally. You can honor the One without starting that business. You can be a Priestess and not have to leave him. You can still be Divine without having to give it all up, have a massive list, or make that mythical 6 or 7-figures.
RAW TRUTH #6:
Some of us must serve that role. And we are given the tools to handle it. But there isn’t anything wrong with you if you don’t. Or if your Call shows up for you saying to stay and change your industry from inside. Or teach that class that ‘only’ 2 people enroll in. Or have one client while working full time and give her your all. Or learn the art of commitment when you want to run. Or in a million various ways. There is no shame in honoring what is right for you.
I’ll say it again, and again, and again… there is no shame in doing what is best for you. Period.
What matters is that you honor each new Call YOU hear and embody YOU- no matter who you are.
Fiercely.
RAW TRUTH #7:
Embodiment truly is nothing short of utter Devotion + Surrender.
How?
Life is going to happen, and you have a choice as to how you are going to show up.
The day these pictures were taken I was a few weeks into the deepest layers of my unraveling. I was driving to Ojai for a ritual photoshoot I had planned with the divine Heather Brand and contemplating the choice ahead of me: Continue on, or find something else… in many areas. I drove north on the I-5 alternating between fits of tears and singing Tool at the top of my lungs.
Yes- I was that girl.
I invoked Kali like I had been consistently for months {Tool is a great entryway into her heart}- knowing her destructive forces to face my fears head on were needed for me to find my next steps.
Then a few hours into my drive and almost at the photographer’s home, I received the phone call from home that no one ever wants to receive.
THERE HAD BEEN AN ACCIDENT.
The pick-up truck was totaled. Our 3 month old puppy had been in the backseat. Matt had been sitting peacefully at a long stop light on the Pacific Coast Highway on a sunny morning reflecting on the surf in front of him, and a brand new Lexus ran the red light- barreling into them from behind going 60 MPH.
The truck was catapulted across the highway. The bed of the truck was crushed like an accordion. Wheels went flying. They found syringes. They found bullet casings. The other driver was incredibly high at 8am- and later was arrested on massive drug possession charges.
Miraculously, no one was hurt. Not even a scratch or bruise or broken bone on anyone involved. And Apollo- he must have been saved by an angel that day that held him close to the seat instead of launching him out of the truck on impact.
BUT THE DEEPER IMPACT ON OUR SOULS WAS PROFOUND.
Here I was, with another choice. Turn around, go home and give up? Or honor a ritual I knew had to happen and trust that my man was telling the truth when he said he needed the time to be alone to process what happened in his own heart. He didn’t need to be saved- he needed to look within.
I chose to Honor the divine timing as perfect and go to my ritual that day. I chose being with the Dark Goddess that my photoshoot was already planned to do. I chose to dance with the fire of destruction in service of earning my wings and coming back into the light.
AND SO I DANCED. I LET KALI MOVE THROUGH ME. I LET ISIS TEACH ME SURRENDER. I LET THE SHAMAN TEACH ME THE MYSTERIES. I LET SHIVA SWALLOW ME WHOLE.
I TRUSTED. I ALLOWED.
I SURRENDERED.
AND I MADE MY CHOICE- I’M IN.
Not closing shop, not moving on. Instead, I’m saying Yes to this fire of creative destruction and diving head first into my calling to bring healing to the world. I’m committing- FULLY- to the sacred embodiment work I have the honor of teaching and facilitating.
Because this embodiment work- it’s essential for all of us, no matter who you are or what you do.
And if I’m one of the ones called to bring it, then I sure as hell am no longer going to deny it.
When I speak of Sacred Embodiment, this is what I speak of- being willing to face ALL sides of who you are and surrender to whatever face of the Divine is ready to come forth at any given time.
Even if it scares you. Even if you want to run. Even if it brings up all your shit.
WHY? BECAUSE I PROMISE YOU- THAT MOMENT WHEN IT CLICKS- THERE IS NO FINE CHOCOLATE OR EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE OR 8 HOUR ORGASM THAT CAN RIVAL THE ECSTASY YOU WILL FEEL.
Embodiment isn’t about looking good, jumping on the bandwagon, quitting your job {unless that’s what’s called for}, leaving the relationship {again, unless that’s what’s needed} dressing up like a goddess, playing ‘the game’, doing any of this work to ‘get ahead’ or because it’s the hot thing to do right now.
Embodiment is Sacred when you allow the Divine to move through you, in whatever face She/ He is appearing at this stage of your life. Need to overcome your fears and slay some dragons? Kali is your benevolent friend. Need to rest in the arms of protection? Mother Mary, Isis, Ganesha have got your back. Need to see more beauty + abundance? Aphrodite will dance her way into your heart. Need to rise from the ashes? Jesus is always there to help you be saved. Need stillness and contemplation? Call on Shiva to sit with you and melt.
Both the Divine Feminine AND the Divine Masculine.
Invited.
Integrated.
Received within your heart and your body.
RAW TRUTH #8:
This. This is what it is all about here. Being willing to answer The Call when you hear it, lean on the support you need, and move through it with grace- sometimes over and over and over again throughout the years to journey to the next levels.
It’s asking the hard questions even when they terrify you.
It’s taking that leap when it makes no sense.
It’s burning away all that no longer serves you, even if it did so in the past.
Dancing when no one is watching.
Stepping in, stepping up, reaching out and looking within to know the next steps. Even if it’s against all reason or the flow of the crowd.
Looking at yourself in the mirror from every angle. Crying and laughing and sometimes not knowing the difference between the two.
Seeing the light AND the dark, the beauty AND the beast, the sheep AND the lion, the maiden AND the crone. And integrating all of these parts of yourself, so you can live fully…
So you can be a better woman, lover, mother, husband, sister, daughter, employee, CEO, chef, volunteer…. or whatever it is you choose to do with your one wild and precious life.
BECAUSE IF YOU AREN’T SHOWING UP AS ALL OF YOU, THEN WHO ARE YOU SHOWING UP AS?
It doesn’t matter if you quit your job, become a coach or healer, never work again, go back to school, be a stay-at-home mom or make the empowered choice to change your industry from the inside out.
What matters is if you do it with all your heart, using all you have to offer, and embodying that woman or man you were born to be- daily.
AND I’M HONORED TO BE HERE TO HELP- ARMS WIDE OPEN, READY TO WELCOME YOU IN.
Because I’m not going anywhere. You have my fiery promise.